Existential: wtf!?!? Recently, I realized that because I decided to be ambitious and impulsive and go to Cooper Union to study architecture I can't really travel. I also will never really have a break. I feel exceptionally exhausted from this kind of life. I'm feeling sort of like I want to have a life where I enjoy myself and things and events and the world. I wonder if this will happen before I'm 30. Maybe. For now I'll probably just have these ideas in my head about where I could be- it seems that because of my past I get over things and want something else and then I get what I want and- turns out its not so great. So, I think I'll stick to cooper until I'm 25.

I will also just day dream about perpetual waters and mountains with clouds as best friends and making paintings.

streaming

I miss missing you, my old self, feeling the now-ness, and having goals. Dreams are too real, I dream of what is in my head before I close my eyes.

And who are you?  who I have let into my life and let be in and on my head. Its a new kind of introduction to another existence, to me. I don't think I ever knew you. You are a stranger, like the rest. A new yorker, or something. And now its winter and I am beautiful to another [stranger], who cares anyway though because inside I can only feel the surpressed painter, thinker, writer, maker.

Its like water, you know? Or like the beach from my experience, different waters touch the sand perpetually and the same water from before is now miles away. Just like that super fast, and you dont even remember it because the new water is the same as the one that touched the same land a minute ago. Like growth, SORT of. It feels like that.

Going to attempt to make bagels this week :) Have already tried homemade pizza, challah, chocolate mousse, and souffle.

Also I like this: